my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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