The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize