Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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