I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
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