did you get engaged???
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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