you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
