dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
