never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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