not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
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