I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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