I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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