it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
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