i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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