Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
