There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
