I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I checked into jail on foursquare
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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