my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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