can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
