you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
