when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
