1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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