my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
