I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
