We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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