well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
