i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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