My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
