My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
