I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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