How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
no you cant smoke seaweed
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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