She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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