You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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