he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
