tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
