I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This is the high leading the old right now
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
