I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
