If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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