I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We have so much sex to catch up on
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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