Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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