new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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