woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
