I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You are the jesus of drinking
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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