I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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