On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
