i permit you to call me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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