Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
