My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize