is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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