Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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