im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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