spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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