just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
