I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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