what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
