Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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