I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
