God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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